Loving a Strong-Willed Child

I attended a parenting workshop on “Dealing with a Strong-willed Child.” As I sat there drinking it all in, I was reminded of how precious Ayinde is and what a gift he is to me. I left the workshop feeling compassionate and empowered. I am the adult and the only person I can change is me. If I’m out of control (stressed, yelling, screaming), then so is everyone else. I’ll highlight here some of the points that really hit home.


1. All behavior is purposeful and most behavior is motivated by a desire to belong as he struggles to figure out his roles:

a) in the family
b) in a playgroup
c) in the classroom.

This made me think of all the times Ayinde’s behavior is viewed as just being naughty when really he wants to be a part of the cooking, the cleaning, the family interactions. He is struggling to figure out his role in life and the family. My challenge is to help him figure out a positive one. Pam Mintz, of the Bethesda YMCA Youth Services and speaker tonight, warned us to be very careful about a) what you think about your child; b) what you say out loud; c) what other people say about him. This is the reason I refuse to allow anyone to say that my child is “bad.” Why? Because you don’t want him to be paralyzed by the labels that other people put on him. Every child deserves the opportunity to become what the Creator has in store.

2. You can talk about negative behavior using positive terms. Wow! This was a good one for me and one that I plan to implement with Ayinde right away. For example, your child tells a lie about brushing his teeth. You can respond this way: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were true? Then you could go right to bed. But the truth is you didn’t, so let mommy help you get your teeth nice and clean. So start with the good. Don’t give constant negative feedback.

3. The big T for tantrums. I learned about two kinds: spillover and manipulative. The spillover is the kind of tantrum that Ayinde has most. I can always tell when he’s breaking down because he becomes very, very naughty. He may start throwing things, turning of the television, or doing anything that he knows will set off bells. Honestly, I take the blame for this because it usually means I was not running interference. In other words, I missed all the warning signs: late nap, hunger, past bedtime. Tantrums usually do not happen when Ayinde is engaged, not overly stimulated, properly feed (breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks), long afternoon nap, puzzles and storytime, then early bedtime. This means what? I have to gain control of myself and be disciplined. I can’t be on the phone gabbing with friends or checking e-mail. I’ve got to plug in and engage the family, establish rituals, be consistent, and most of all disciplined. Everyone wins. I get time to myself and the children feel good because having a tantrum, I learned, is as painful for them as it is for me.

4. Help your child understand when he is about to have a tantrum. I’m not quite sure how to do this, but it was a very good suggestion. Once a child can identify an impending tantrum or meltdown (for older kids because they continue well into the teenage years), then the child is empowered to help himself.

5. Diffusing a Tantrum is something you should know how to do with your child, I learned. Some great examples parents shared were redirecting or changing the subject, humor (make the child laugh), leave the room (taking away the audience), and disengaging (I’m going to sit down and wait until you are calm). What I do with Ayinde is get him to take deep breaths. Something that I will add that I learned at the workshop is after the breaths, I will say to him: What can I do to help you feel better? Would it help if I hugged you?

6. Make a list of things that we know calm our children and use them. For us, I have a CD that I play for naps and one that I play for bedtime. Both are soothing, Native American, meditative music. Ayinde knows what time it is when the music starts to play. This usually comes after a few puzzles and several books. But for some children, I learned, moving their body or doing something repetitive is relaxing. Most importantly, as parents, we have to know what slows our children’s bodies down and prepares them for rest.

7. Power is a big issue for strong-willed children. I know this is the case with Ayinde. I can feel the humiliation when I overpower him. After tonight, I can release the need and the burden that many African American parents carry to “control” their children. I will instead give him what he needs: choices and something positive to have power over.

8. Consequences work best when they are natural. But when they are not, give a warning. This removes the power trip aspect, especially if it’s a harsh consequence. For example, if you bang on the television again, I am going to take away the sword and you will not be able to play with it for the rest of the night (for the younger child). If you miss curfew again, you will not attend the senior prom (for the teen). Be consistent and empathize by saying something like “I’m really sorry this had to happen, but you are responsible for your behavior.”

9. Don’t be quick to say NO all the time. Modulate no by saying what they can do. For example, “You cannot play outside right now, but we can play with your blocks.” For a child who likes to negotiate once he hears the word no, you could say something like, “That’s a good idea, let me hear more about it OR let me think about it and get back to you.” Avoid saying no and then going back on your word to say yes. Then your children won’t know when to believe you.

10. Don’t confuse character traits with misbehavior. How profound! Something that you may think is misbehavior may just be who a child is and you can’t change that. I accept that I have a strong-willed child who is loving, smart, compassionate, artistic, energetic, and a full of life. I thank God for sending him to me, because of him I will learn acceptance; because of him I will learn to humble myself; and because of him I will learn the true meaning of a spirit-filled child.

I plan to attend the next workshop coming up on Wed., January 20th. The topic is Ten Reasons Children Don’t Succeed and Eleven Things Parents Can Do. For more information, visiting www.ymcadc.org. To register, click on the easy enroll icon and search for YMCA Youth & Family Services.

Resources: 
1) Raising Your Spirited Child & Kids, Parents and Power Struggles (both books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka)
2) Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary
3) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adel Faber