We Gave Praises and He Came - A Preemie's Journey

Ayinde's First Letter - A

2010-02-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

I love Montessori so much. We are working on letters and Ayinde now knows how to make the letter A in the sand and the sound it makes. I can't wait until we get our sand paper letters!

Loving a Strong-Willed Child

2010-01-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

I attended a parenting workshop on “Dealing with a Strong-willed Child.” As I sat there drinking it all in, I was reminded of how precious Ayinde is and what a gift he is to me. I left the workshop feeling compassionate and empowered. I am the adult and the only person I can change is me. If I’m out of control (stressed, yelling, screaming), then so is everyone else. I’ll highlight here some of the points that really hit home.

1. All behavior is purposeful and most behavior is motivated by a desire to belong as he struggles to figure out his roles:

a) in the family
b) in a playgroup
c) in the classroom.

This made me think of all the times Ayinde’s behavior is viewed as just being naughty when really he wants to be a part of the cooking, the cleaning, the family interactions. He is struggling to figure out his role in life and the family. My challenge is to help him figure out a positive one. Pam Mintz, of the Bethesda YMCA Youth Services and speaker tonight, warned us to be very careful about a) what you think about your child; b) what you say out loud; c) what other people say about him. This is the reason I refuse to allow anyone to say that my child is “bad.” Why? Because you don’t want him to be paralyzed by the labels that other people put on him. Every child deserves the opportunity to become what the Creator has in store.

2. You can talk about negative behavior using positive terms. Wow! This was a good one for me and one that I plan to implement with Ayinde right away. For example, your child tells a lie about brushing his teeth. You can respond this way: Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were true? Then you could go right to bed. But the truth is you didn’t, so let mommy help you get your teeth nice and clean. So start with the good. Don’t give constant negative feedback.

3. The big T for tantrums. I learned about two kinds: spillover and manipulative. The spillover is the kind of tantrum that Ayinde has most. I can always tell when he’s breaking down because he becomes very, very naughty. He may start throwing things, turning of the television, or doing anything that he knows will set off bells. Honestly, I take the blame for this because it usually means I was not running interference. In other words, I missed all the warning signs: late nap, hunger, past bedtime. Tantrums usually do not happen when Ayinde is engaged, not overly stimulated, properly feed (breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks), long afternoon nap, puzzles and storytime, then early bedtime. This means what? I have to gain control of myself and be disciplined. I can’t be on the phone gabbing with friends or checking e-mail. I’ve got to plug in and engage the family, establish rituals, be consistent, and most of all disciplined. Everyone wins. I get time to myself and the children feel good because having a tantrum, I learned, is as painful for them as it is for me.

4. Help your child understand when he is about to have a tantrum. I’m not quite sure how to do this, but it was a very good suggestion. Once a child can identify an impending tantrum or meltdown (for older kids because they continue well into the teenage years), then the child is empowered to help himself.

5. Diffusing a Tantrum is something you should know how to do with your child, I learned. Some great examples parents shared were redirecting or changing the subject, humor (make the child laugh), leave the room (taking away the audience), and disengaging (I’m going to sit down and wait until you are calm). What I do with Ayinde is get him to take deep breaths. Something that I will add that I learned at the workshop is after the breaths, I will say to him: What can I do to help you feel better? Would it help if I hugged you?

6. Make a list of things that we know calm our children and use them. For us, I have a CD that I play for naps and one that I play for bedtime. Both are soothing, Native American, meditative music. Ayinde knows what time it is when the music starts to play. This usually comes after a few puzzles and several books. But for some children, I learned, moving their body or doing something repetitive is relaxing. Most importantly, as parents, we have to know what slows our children’s bodies down and prepares them for rest.

7. Power is a big issue for strong-willed children. I know this is the case with Ayinde. I can feel the humiliation when I overpower him. After tonight, I can release the need and the burden that many African American parents carry to “control” their children. I will instead give him what he needs: choices and something positive to have power over.

8. Consequences work best when they are natural. But when they are not, give a warning. This removes the power trip aspect, especially if it’s a harsh consequence. For example, if you bang on the television again, I am going to take away the sword and you will not be able to play with it for the rest of the night (for the younger child). If you miss curfew again, you will not attend the senior prom (for the teen). Be consistent and empathize by saying something like “I’m really sorry this had to happen, but you are responsible for your behavior.”

9. Don’t be quick to say NO all the time. Modulate no by saying what they can do. For example, “You cannot play outside right now, but we can play with your blocks.” For a child who likes to negotiate once he hears the word no, you could say something like, “That’s a good idea, let me hear more about it OR let me think about it and get back to you.” Avoid saying no and then going back on your word to say yes. Then your children won’t know when to believe you.

10. Don’t confuse character traits with misbehavior. How profound! Something that you may think is misbehavior may just be who a child is and you can’t change that. I accept that I have a strong-willed child who is loving, smart, compassionate, artistic, energetic, and a full of life. I thank God for sending him to me, because of him I will learn acceptance; because of him I will learn to humble myself; and because of him I will learn the true meaning of a spirit-filled child.

I plan to attend the next workshop coming up on Wed., January 20th. The topic is Ten Reasons Children Don’t Succeed and Eleven Things Parents Can Do. For more information, visiting www.ymcadc.org. To register, click on the easy enroll icon and search for YMCA Youth & Family Services.

Resources:
1) Raising Your Spirited Child & Kids, Parents and Power Struggles (both books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka)
2) Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary
3) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adel Faber

Suzuki Violin

2009-12-15T22:21:00.000-08:00

Everyone said he was too young or that I was forcing this on him. Not even close! Ayinde fell in love with violin around age 2 (influenced by a God brother) and it's my job as his mother to practice what Malcolm Gladwell calls "concerted cultivation" in his book The Outliers. I "concertedly" enrolled him in Suzuki Violin (http://suzukiassociation.org/) lessons at Levine School of Music and he absolutely loves it! He wants to practice every single day without being asked. He's already training himself by ear musically. His first recital is coming up on Friday. Ayinde even wants to add to his repertoire ... he's asking to play drums, trumpet and trombone.

Montessori Learning at Home

2009-12-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

I can't remember exactly when I discovered that Montessori was the perfect fit for Ayinde. Today, I'm a Montessori lover! I tried early on getting my oldest son into a Montessori school, but he wasn't chosen in the lottery and the private schools were WAY out of our family's price range. So we went in another direction with homeschooling. But Ayinde has brought me back to Montessori again. I've been doing the best I can to give him Montessori-inspired learning in our homeschool and life. Ayinde is very musical (he plays violin and drums) and loves being able to learn independently. I find it most difficult to present lessons as he demands, "I want to do it by myself." I love the whole idea of taking time to really observe my child. I'm so in love with Montessori that I'm taking an online certification class in Montessori teaching. The more I learn about Montessori, the more natural and organic I find it. In fact, I'll be incorporating Montessori Math into my older son's curriculum. In January, I'll try again to get Ayinde into the same Montessori program that I tried to get my older son into. If he doesn't get in, then I'll do what I always have, press on and do it myself.

A typical 3-year-old the "experts" say

2009-08-28T03:19:00.000-07:00

After a child reaches 3 years of age, the public school system is supposed to provide services such as SLP, OT, and PT. Ayinde had to go through a battery of tests, including an educational screening for special education. On August 13, 2009, the final reports were in and Ayinde did not qualify. Normally, "not qualifying" is a bad thing. But in this case, it was joyous. It meant that he was a typical 3-year-old, despite his entering the world too early. It meant that I could breathe a sigh of relief. Now I could focus on the business of continuing to homeschool him and not worry that I wouldn't be able to provide for his needs. His learning style is definitely Montessori. He's a hands-on kind of child. He likes to work with purpose and accomplish things. My sisterfriend calls Ayinde "scrappy." Yep, that's my baby. He's going to "get it done," especially if you take too long doing it for him. He reminds me of my husband in that respect ... just like his dad, he's a "can do kind of child." Bravo to you Ayinde, my quiet warrior. I love you!

My Montessori Child

2009-03-19T03:27:00.000-07:00

It has been shamefully long since I last updated this blog. Life's circumstances have kept me busier that I would like. In the meantime, my baby has been growing into a truly unique person all his own. Despite all of the developmental tests that say he is speech delayed, Ayinde is talking up a storm. I will be curious to see what the therapist says at his very first speech appointment at Howard University. The circle of life is bringing my baby and me back to my Alama Matter. Anyway, as I toyed with the idea of sending Ayinde to school to receive services that I seemed unable to get any other way, my homeschool community surrounded me with love, support and common sense. They only confirmed what I felt after visiting childcare centers and preschools. Ayinde is not ready and home is where he needs to be in a loving environment where he can explore and be a child. Ayinde is a driven, purposeful, busy little tinkerer. Circle time, reading groups and standing in line would probably work for a week or two and then I'd probably start getting those calls. I spoke with a friend last night who said that her 3yo son was kicked out of preschool and suspended for one month from pre-k. What kind of world do we live in? Guess what, the dear child's birthday is 5 days before Ayinde's April 25th birthday. Yep, a fellow Taurian -- determined and stubborn at times. She said her son was having trouble with "transitions." That's teacher code word for "stop what you are doing and move on to what I have for you to do next." I like about the Montessori approach. Let the child become as absorbed as long as the interest is there. So my second journey down this road (I did the same thing with my older son Zion) has led me back to homeschooling Ayinde too. I have found some alternative programs, such as half day co-ops, parent/child Montesori program (1 day a week) and Waldorf parent/child preschool. All of the programs give Ayinde the best of both worlds. An opportunity to learn and grow with other children and be at home with mom where he wants and needs to be. Yes, it's a financial sacrifice. But he will never be 2, 3 or even 4 years old again. I'm trusting God to provide our needs and lead me in the right financial direction.

I love watching Ayinde. He's amazingly resourceful and independent. He finds a way to get what he wants. He knows how to find the screw driver and batteries when his toys need replacements. He knows how to seek and find his favorite vitamins. He loves to cook. He loves the skateboard. And he is obssesed with the violin. Yes, I still give praises that he came!

I Run This Joint!

2007-07-06T19:43:00.001-07:00

Ayinde has taken over. There used to be a time when I had to run into the bedroom when he woke up in the morning. Not anymore! He dives off of the bed onto a futon landing right beside the bed. Crawls into the living and starts his morning routine:

1. Pull all of the books within my reach off of the bookshelf.

2. Pull all of the rap cds off the shelf (since they are at my level).

3. Dump all of the remotes out of the basket into the floor.

4. Empty all of the colored pencils, crayons and markers on the floor.

5. Knock everything off of the desk into the floor while mommy holds me in her lap and tries to check her e-mail.

6. If Zion happens to be playing playstation, pull the plug just as he is about to score on his basketball game (oh, that's lots of fun).

"Whew, that was a lot of work. Now I'm ready for breakfast and then my morning nap."

Climbing Mt. Everest at Aunty Teresa's house

2007-06-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

It seems I know every developmental milestone this time around. With Zion everything just flowed naturally. With a preemie, you watch everything. So imagine my astonishment when never having seen a set of stairs Ayinde proceeded to ascend with the ease of an old pro. His Godbrother Alan watched protectively.

Happy Birth Day Ayinde - April 25, 2007

2007-04-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to believe it's been a year already. Ayinde has come so far and accomplished so much. He's had surgeries and been hospitalized for pneumonia, yet he is filled with joy. Each morning he awakens it seems as if he says, "nothing is going to steal my joy." Each day that I look into his eyes I know that I am blessed beyond measure and that God is so good. Ayinde was not crawling at his development evaluation on 4-18-07. Soon after, it's like he said, "I'll show them who's in charge." And he started pulling himself and in a week or two he was crawling, right on time for his adjusted age. In God's time, not their time he said. Happy Earth Day Baby! We celebrated with a vegan cupcake from Sticky Fingers bakery.

Green Feet!

2007-04-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

Today Ayinde did "foot painting" with Mrs. Vonita Swan, his Early Head Start Teacher from the Rosemount Center. She said most babies usually cry when their feet touch a new texture, but Ayinde started drooling and laughing. He really enjoyed it. His big brother Zion even joined in on the fun.

Walk before you Crawl?

2007-04-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Who can be sad when a baby is in the midst. Ayinde may skip over crawling just like his brother. He has turned his bouncy seat into a walker. Early on Zion fell on the bouncy seat and bent the bar that held the toys. Ayinde liked it much better that way because he could see and kick the toys. Now he's using the bar to hold him as he walks around. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Those sweet little toes propelling him backwards. Zion never crawled either. He got around on his hands and feet. Oh, and Ayinde is finally getting a little 'fro! Around these parts we are HAPPY TO BE NAPPY!

Weaning from Oxygen to Go Home

2007-02-15T04:15:00.000-08:00

Today Ayinde is back to himself. I’m so happy to see my baby smiling, playing, cooing, and slobbering. We almost went home last night but his oxygen saturation rates kept dropping below 90% while he was sleeping. The cut off rate is 90%. So today we are watching him while he sleeps to see if he can maintain it at 90%. Pneumonia causes his airways to become inflamed and swell. Coupled with the mucous, it makes it difficult for him to properly circulate oxygen throughout his body. But I’m confident that he will pull through today. I’ve not left his side or the hospital room since Saturday – 5 days! Eric says he doesn’t know how I have been able to stay in one room for so long. Hey, that’s what mommas do. There’s no mountain I wouldn’t climb and no ocean I wouldn’t swim for my babies. I’ve been spending my time praying, resting, breastfeeding, watching my baby, writing, reading, thinking, watching The Secret and enjoying my favorite shows on HGTV and the Food Network. We were discharged at 10:00 p.m. Praise God! Hallelujah! Yebo! Amen!

Lessons of Love, Appreciation and the Power of Thought

2007-02-15T04:14:00.000-08:00

What was the Lesson in All this? Love, Appreciation, and remembering The Secret

Sunday afternoon I was lying in the hospital bed nursing Ayinde and angry with Eric. He had not arrived yet because he had to do something related to the business of family finance. The woman in me didn’t understand and I said out loud, (to myself because no one else was in the room) “I’m going to ask my Pastor what is the responsibility of a FATHER and HUSBAND?” Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I completed that thought my Pastor walked in with his son Rudy. I couldn’t believe it. We had a great conversation and he prayed over Ayinde and took Zion for some fun. See how God works! I’m grateful for that conversation because Pastor allows me to see how a man thinks. Then in a quiet moment, I began thinking about how grateful I am that I have a husband. I shared a hospital room with a 19-year-old sister whose 5-month-old son also had pneumonia. She had been there since Wednesday without a change of clothes or food. The child’s father had promised to come each day and never showed up. I can only imagine how angry and alone she must have felt. And as the African American Reverend says in The Secret (I can’t remember his name), “nothing new is going to show up in your life until you appreciate what you have.” I looked at the herbs, the juice, my clothes, the laptop, and all the other comforts from home that Eric made sure I had. I actually had a lot to be thankful about. When Eric finally did arrive, I was on my way out into the hallway to speak with the doctor. Something else must be wrong with Ayinde, I thought, because he just won’t stop crying. Daddy walked in, put Ayinde down on the bed, and within 5 minutes, they both were sound asleep. Incredible! I took this opportunity to grab a few minutes sleep. When I awoke about an hour later, I discovered that daddy had knocked off the baby’s oxygen. But Ayinde was still maintaining his oxygen rate at 100%. He had not done that all day. I sat and watched them both and just cried and thought to myself - this is the power of the KING of the house that my Pastor talks about. Somehow Ayinde must have felt a strong vibe of strength and security when Daddy arrived because he was content and sleeping soundly. In the midst of all of this stress and turmoil, I learned a valuable lesson about myself – sometimes I can be ungrateful when my bounty of blessings is staring me right in my face. I love my family. My husband is doing everything he humanly can to show that he loves and cherishes his family too. I think Eric also learned to appreciate what I do too. He told me on several times, "I don't know how you do all this," and "the house is not the same without you." We are learning to appreciate what we both bring to the marriage. The photo is of Zion and Dad playing Playstion at the hospital.

Hospital Visits Make You Feel Good

2007-02-12T04:10:00.000-08:00

From 1 a.m. Friday until 5 p.m. on Saturday, I didn’t have a morsel to eat or drink. Because I requested a bed and not a crib, I had to sign a waiver saying I would not leave my room. Ayinde does not sleep in a crib and I nurse him lying down. So a crib would have been pointless. This meant I couldn’t go to the cafeteria or the vending machine. And Children’s Hospital only feeds the child, not the parents. Eric was doing the best he could to take care of things. When Carla finally came through the door with two Whole Foods bags I wanted to jump into her arms and plant a kiss on her lips. Then came LaShon and family came with Subway, Maisha with salads and fruits, Angela sent her sweet dad with muffins and fruit and her husband brought us dinner, and Janelle with Everlasting Life and a serious smoothie to boost my breastmilk production. It feels so good when people visit you in the hospital or call. For the second time, I’m realizing how touching a gesture it is when people stop what they are doing, get in their car, bring you food, pay for parking just to show some love for a few minutes. Nowadays, people are just too busy to “show their respects,” as my grandmother would say. The older I get the more thankful I am that I have a grandmother to show me how to really treat people. P.S. Janelle, Ayinde really enjoyed the Rising Sun smoothie from Everlasting Life.

The Big "breastmilk" Dip

2007-02-11T04:09:00.000-08:00

When Ayinde was in the NICU, at my highest peak, I was pumping almost 64 oz. of milk per day. Imagine my horror as I was pumping in the hospital so I could feed Ayinde with a syringe (he was too weak to nurse) and could BARELY eek out 2 oz. I thought I was seeing things. Then I went into a panic again and started getting depressed about giving my baby formula because I couldn’t produce enough milk. Then I remembered that I was a part of a strong breastfeeding network. I pulled out my handy, dandy cell phone that has long been disconnected but still serves as a portable telephone directory and strolled down and saw Nikia. Spirit said to give her a call. Thank God she answered. Nikia calmed my fears of my milk drying up in 2 days (can you imagine? I’m such a drama queen). She gave me the facts. I had nursed my first child for 5 years and had been an aggressive pumper when Ayinde was in the hospital. So according to Nikia, “my ductal highway system,” was in great shape and I would be able to resume my milk supply quickly. BIG EXHALE……..breastfeeding Ayinde is SO important to me and so good for him. I thank God for my knowledgeable Mocha sisters! After spending the day chugging down swigs of Fenugreek, pumping every 2-3 hours and a change in my “mindset,” my milk was flowing again. And, ironically, Ayinde starting refusing the syringe and requesting the breast again. Milk was squirting all over the place and dripping all out of his mouth. To God be the Glory!

Affirmations

Ayinde’s lungs are strong and clear – Now!
Ayinde is healthy and whole – Now!
Ayinde is breastfeeding on demand – Now!
Ayinde is at home with his family – Now!
Ayinde sleeps deeply and peacefully – Now!

Ayinde is getting better in this photo. He's playing with the oxygen tent they tried to use on him.

I Wanted to Beat Them Down

2007-02-10T04:05:00.000-08:00

I Wanted to Beat them Down

Ayinde was in such misery. Upon arrival, they wisked us right back to the doctors who wanted to hook up an IV. I guess Spirit had another idea because after 12 pokes (that’s right they stuck my baby 12 times), they still couldn’t get his veins. He was too chubby. Imagine how painful it is to watch people hurt your baby (in an attempt to help him) and you can’t beat them down. Ayinde is screaming and looking terrified wondering why is this happening and why are you watching and doing nothing. After that, I said, “no more.” All of his liquids will be by mouth. And, as God would have it, Ayinde did not require an IV. Between syringes full of breastmilk and pedialyte mixed with grape juice, I was able to hydrate him myself. Ayinde was admitted early Saturday morning. I have never seen him sleep so much. He had to have oxygen to help him breathe. The next day, he cried all day and then I cried all evening. The stress was unbelievable. By the third day things were looking up.

My Biggest Fear

2007-02-10T04:04:00.000-08:00

My biggest fear was that Ayinde would get sick and end up back in the hospital – the place where he was born. The place where he had to stay in the NICU for 8 weeks and then another 2 weeks at HSC. Well, it happened. And, after viewing The Secret, I was reminded of what Pastor Wilson always taught us – that which you meditate on will come to pass. Instead of my focus being on illness, it should have been on wellness. Mocha Mom Althea told me not to blame myself and I won’t. But I do recognize the power of the mind and the mouth. Friday, February 10th at 1 a.m. in the morning, I took Ayinde to the E.R. I didn’t wake my husband because I didn’t want to be talked out of it or told that I was overreacting. I did the right thing because my child was in respiratory distress and was diagnosed with pneumonia. I went from fear to panic to greatfull that I could take him to a hospital to get the help he needed. Because Ayinde was premature, his lungs were not strong enough to breathe AND fight pneumonia, a bacterial virus that attacks the lungs. So he needed the support the hospital could give him.

Transformations

2007-02-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with Ayinde I decided I would lock my hair. It seemed the right time to do something that I believed would be a spiritual journey. I also felt compelled to take an African name. I chose a Kenyan name: Nah'zia. It means a mother's love. I believe becoming a mother has redefined who I am, my purpose, and what I think of myself. Mothering has made me a better person. It is one of the most fulfilling aspects of my life. I didn't believe I could love another child as much as I loved Zion. Now I know I can.

RSV Season

2007-02-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things for people to understand is that preemies have fragile immune systems. For this reason, preemie moms cannot always do the things that mothers of full-term infants can do. I didn't go back to church or anywhere with large crowds for a long time. All of Ayinde's doctors warned me about RSV. For the next two years, Ayinde will have to have synagis injections each month from October through March (the height of the RSV) season. RSV is a respiratory disease that attacks the lungs of fragile preemies. It is life-threatening and very dangerous. My wonderful pediatrician says she is not "claiming" asthma for Ayinde, but she has diagnosed him as a "happy wheezer." He's healthy and robust, but wheezes. Whenever he comes down with a cold, we have to give him breathing treatments. I hate giving him drugs, but am happy that I can give him some help with breathing when he needs it. We are going to consult with some naturapaths and holistic doctors because we do not believe in being dependent on drugs. In April we will celebrate 3 things: my birthday, Ayinde's birthday, and the end of the RSV season. I can't wait to break out my stroller and calendar because Ayinde, Zion and I are going to hit the town!

Ayinde Rolls Over

2007-02-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

Milestones are exciting and even more so for preemie moms. He's nine months (6 months adjusted for prematurity). We've been blessed so far in that Ayinde is right on target. He was laughing, cooing, sitting up, grasping, dadadada, and now rolling over right on target. I'll probably cry when he starts to crawl.

Twins - 6 years apart

2007-02-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone says that Ayinde looks just like Zion. I always think of Ayinde as
Zion's request. I remember so vividly walking in the snow with Zion and him
asking me, "Mom, when are you going to get another baby in your stomach. I want
a brother." Not long after that, his wish was fulfilled. Whenever people see
Ayinde for the first time they don't say "he looks like his father," or "he
looks like his mother;" they say, "he looks just like Zion."

I am my brother's keeper

2007-02-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

Everyone said Zion would be so jealous, blah, blah, blah. Quite the contrary, he absolutely delights in being a big brother. He has had his moments when he tires of all of the attention that Ayinde receives, but he is able to articulate his feelings. On a recent trip to see my mother-in-law he requested the following: "Mom, can you let me walk in the door first so grandma can give me attention first. Because if you go in first with Ayinde, he'll get all of the attention and everyone will forget about me." Wow, I thought. He's really in touch with his feelings. Eric and I chuckled, but we did honor his request. The majority of the time, Zion is Ayinde's biggest advocate. If I take too long responding to his cries he asks, "mom, don't you hear Ayinde?" Zion is definitely his brother's keeper.

Hand Me Downs

2007-02-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

I'm so grateful that we saved Zion's baby clothes. It's difficult to believe he was ever that small. It's such a blessing to mother an infant again.

Fat and Juicy

2007-02-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

Ayinde is "growing like a weed," as my grandmother would say. I remember praying for the day when Ayinde would reach a mere 5 pounds. Today, he is more than 20 pounds. Ain't God good!

After Surgery

2007-02-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

Originally written on August 22, 2006 ...Dad and Zion comfort Ayinde after surgery

I've tried to keep quiet about this to keep from obsessing to much. I've done so much research, I'm sure I've shut down Google. When our babies are involved, we want to know. Anyway, Ayinde is set for 2 surgeries on Aug. 28th. Please pray his strength and for a speedy recovery. I've been hesitant about the corrective surgery because it's not typically done until a baby is at least 3-9 months of age and Ayinde will only be 1 month (adjusted age). But the health professionals' consensus and my husband too, is that if he's going under the knife, let's take care of it all now so that we can be at peace. Still, I researched on. I even Googled the surgeon to "check up on his behind" as my grandmother would say. My neonatologist at WHS told me he was one of the top urologists in the country and he would trust his own child with him. You would think that would be enough but not for Monica. Anyway, I see his name all over the Web. He's a professor at GW, he's receive the Urology "Gold Medal," he's on this board and that and he has more than 35 years experience (just the way Eric likes it - old, gray and experienced). Still, that wasn't enough. But yesterday, I had a revelation as I was praying over Ayinde. After his bath (and his scream fest), I massage his head and face while he nurses to calm himself and I usually say some affirmations and prayer. This is what God whispered in my ear after I prayed that he watch over Ayinde. "I've already been watching over Ayinde. Just trust me because he's in my hands. Haven't you noticed that you keep ending up in the hands of the best professionals? When you went into preterm labor, Dr. Cherian just happened to be the neonatologist on duty (one of the best). When my/your son was whisked away to the NICU, he just happened to end up in one of the top NICU's in the country where there are no "residents" learning on your baby. When it was time for Ayinde to have surgery, he just happened to be seen at one of the top Urology Departments in the Country by a world renowned urologist. See, I've got your back. Just trust in me and give me your worries. Pray his strength and I'll see you through." I felt so much peace after that. I decided that I will call the surgeon, ask a few questions, and put it to rest and know that it will be victorious. Please say a special prayer on Monday, Aug. 28th. P.S. Ayinde is a juicy 10 lbs. or more now!

Adjusting to Life at Home

2007-02-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

We loved up on Ayinde so much when he came home. Dad inspects Ayinde and his big sister Brittani and big brother Zion love him up!

Ayinde's Homecoming

2007-02-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

Originally written on July 5, 2006 (I will never forget this date)

Ayinde is coming home today! Ayinde is coming home today! Ayinde is coming home today! I feel like shouting off of my balcony. I feel like walking up to strangers. It's hard to even write this e-mail because I keep stopping to "do the cabbage patch" dance. The happiest days of my life keep getting better and better. Renee said to me that so many people have prayed for Ayinde. I thank you all so much for your love and support. Ayinde is so blessed to have about 70 Mocha Mom Aunties that have provided him with food for his mommy (so she could make breastmilk), a cradle for him to sleep in, clothes for him to wear, pampers to keep him dry, and a carseat for him to ride home in - oh I am so blessed. Your e-mails and phone calls have meant so much to me during the times when I didn't know how I would go on. I've been nesting the past few days so I haven't had much sleep - cleaning, organizing, running back and forth to the store. My husband thinks I'm crazy, but he's never been a momma. I understand why women need women. I've had to fight to get my 6-week break. I've put everyone in my house on notice. I'm not cooking, cleaning or driving anybody anywhere for 6 weeks. I've been separated from Ayinde for 10 weeks and I'm going to use that sabbatical to make up for the time we lost together and get a good groove with him and the family. I always think of my Ethiopian friend Genet whose tradition is to be secluded with the baby for 40 days. Other family members take care of the younger children while the mother stays in the bed, rests, nurses and is cared for. Imagine how fortified and ready to take on the task of mothering you are after that. We don't get that in this country unless you demand it. I'm not sure I'll get the full 6 weeks, but as with any negotiation you ask for the most first. My doctor's have said to keep him secluded and away from children, especially for 6 weeks past my due date (as you would with a term baby). We'll be doing a lot of hand-washing around here before handling the baby. Praise God, Praise God, Praise God!

***

A few days after Ayinde's homecoming, some sisterfriends gave me a blessing way. I am truly blessed.

Help Me Help You

2007-02-02T19:43:00.000-08:00

A sister friend said to me that because I focused on helping my child, instead of spreading myself all over the place, I was able to help others. I had such an abundance of milk that I was pumping almost a gallon of milk per day while Ayinde was in the NICU. This meant that I was filling up freezers all over the place, including a deep freezer in my home. Luckily, I stumbled upon a Yahoo group created for mothers who wanted to donate breastmilk without going through a milk bank. I donated milk to families in Detroit, St. Louis, and Washington, D.C. I was afraid that God blessed me with so much milk because Ayinde would not be able to nurse at the breast. But I was blessed so that I could share with others. I had no idea that I would be so emotionally attached to my breastmilk. Each time I cleared out my freezer and donated the milk, I cried. White gold is what they call it.

Pump, Pump, Pump IT UP!

2007-02-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

Originally written on May 23, 2006 . . .

Yesterday I was feeling discouraged because the nurses in the NICU told me that I brought in "too much milk." I'm pumping about 24-32 bottles a day (3-6 bottles at each session and I pump about 8x per day). They showed me my storage supply and it fills up 2 shelves in their freezer. They told me they have "never" seen a mother of a premature baby pump so much milk and that I have enough milk there to feed the entire nursery for 3 months. They started suggesting that I donate some of my milk to a milk bank. So they said that I could not bring in any more breast milk and I had to take home some of the milk I had stored there. My freezer is full, my mother's freezer is full, and we don't have a deep freezer so where is this milk going to go? They also told me that they could only supply me with 8-10 bottles a day, so now we have to go out and buy some of the plastic milk storage bags (which aren't as good as the bottles). I guess I'm sensitive now, so I just came home and cried. I felt reject and criticized. Then to make matters worse, they tried to imply that my milk was making the baby gassy. When I do my 5am pumping my milk supply is highest so I'm able to pump enough milk to feed the baby for 2 days (6 bottles, they can only use 3 so I have to freeze 3). Eric takes this milk into the hospital by 6am each morning so the baby is now getting fresh milk each day instead of frozen milk that has been thawed. So now I have to be the "gas" police. Any tips on eliminating gas producing foods? I'm willing to do whatever it takes so that Ayinde can have fresh milk (I've read it's better for him and that my body is constantly updating my milk with antibodies. So as I go to visit him in the NICU, my body is producing antibodies to the germs in the NICU and I can pass this protection on to my son via the breast milk. A woman's body is AWESOME!!!)

Committed to Breastfeeding

2007-02-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Originally written on June 24, 2006...

I just returned home from spending my first entire night with my son in 8 weeks! The HSC Pediatric Center has a parent apartment reserved for families to "practice" being at home with their child. The reality of being the mother of a newborn hit me like a ton of bricks. The purpose of this overnight visit was to practice breastfeeding and caring for my son. I had to hook up his monitors, change diapers, hook up his tube feedings, the whole nine yards. Big UPs to the nurses! I have been up ALL NIGHT, literally. But awakening to his sweet cry was such a blessing. Because Ayinde is not able to go to breast for each feeding (premature babies tire easily at the breast), I had to determine which feedings would be skipped and which feedings require me to supplement him with my breastmilk and tube syringe. And, on top of all of that juggling, I still had to fit in pumping sessions to keep my supply up. Like Zion, Ayinde has a "Kung Fu Grip Latch," but his mouth is too small to take in all of my areola so sometimes he had fun gnawing on my nipple - ouch! But again, gazing down into those eyes made all the pain go away. At one point during the evening, I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. Ayinde is not strong enough to empty my breasts so sometimes after a nursing session, he will need to be "topped off" with breastmilk from a supplemental feeder. Eric and Zion were sleeping peacefully, and I was trying to figure out how to use the Medela SNS, which I believe is impossible to do alone. How in the heck do you tape the tube on your nipples without the milk dripping all over the place. When I tried to put Ayinde to breast, the tube kept sticking up his nose. So I just cried, put him back in the crib and hooked up his feeding syringe. I was tired and frustrated and so was he. Now I see how some moms say, "shoot I'm a formula baby and I'm okay." Heck, I'm a formula momma. But I know too much about breastfeeding's benefits to turn back now. I am affirming that he will be getting all of his nourishment from my breast. Please affirm that with me.

Hernia and Hypospadias (new words in my vocabulary)

2007-02-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on June 21, 2006 ...

Just wanted to give you an update. Ayinde is "doing beautifully," according to his care team at HSC Pediatric Center. He was transferred there last Wednesday from the Washington Hospital Center's NICU. The fact that he is at HSC means he has graduated from the NICU. Praise God! We'll have weekly family meetings with his team until he is discharged. We did discover that Ayinde has a hernia. I was very sad about that but the doctor's told me not to worry (common among preemies) unless he is in pain they are just going to "watch it" and hope that it will correct itself. He also has a condition called "hypo-spadias" where the urethra of his penis is under the tip instead of at the tip. This too sometimes corrects itself but certainly is not life threatening. I am claiming healing over all of this in the name of Jesus! Yesterday I spent the entire day at HSC with my baby. I now have a lactation consultant that works with me daily and a team of professionals who 100% respect my desire to exclusively breastfeed. Yesterday at his 3 p.m. feed Ayinde was wide awake and nursed for about 7 minutes (my lactation consultant timed it). We weigh him before/after to determine how much milk he's taking in. Last night when I arrived at 9pm he was wide awake and ready to nurse. He nursed for about 20 minutes on/off. We have a privacy curtain at bedside and a comfortable rocker so I can go and breastfeed anytime I want to if he's alert and interested. The doctors say that sometimes babies wait until their due date (July 20) and perk up and just start making leaps and bounds in breastfeeding and development. I am getting antsy about bringing him home but do not want to bring him home on a feeding tube because of it's possible complications if not inserted correctly. I know that everything is in God's time. So we're probably looking at a couple of more weeks. We're working on getting Ayinde to take all of his feedings via mouth and then he's ready for discharge. So I have to work my way up to about 6 feedings a day, which means I have to be at the hospital a total of about 8 hours a day, sometimes returning at night. Eventually, I'll have to spend the night at the hospital's apartment so that I can do all 8 of the feedings through the night, including the 12 midnight and 3 a.m. I had the pleasure of giving my baby a bath yesterday and dressing him in a cute little preemie outfit. Then I kissed his little feet, hands and forehead and tucked him in the crib. Though I had been at the hospital all day, I could have stayed all night. Every time I look at him I am awed by the mercy of God.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I ask specifically that you pray that Ayinde is getting all of his nourishment from mommy's breast so that we can bring him home to his family.

Almost Home: Ayinde is Transferred to HSC Pediatric Center

2007-02-02T00:36:00.000-08:00

Originally written on May 15, 2006 ...

Ayinde moved to HSC Pediatric Center today. I'm very pleased with the decision. His crib color is my favorite: red. We have a privacy curtain and a rocking chair at bedside. Zion spent 1/2 the day with me there holding and talking to his brother. Then the Life Specialist (don't you love the title) came and took Zion on a tour of all of the playrooms. As I put Ayinde down for his 6 p.m. feeding the doctor came around to personally introduce herself. I liked her vibe right away. After his feeding, the nurse bundled him up and dimmed the light. I didn't feel sad leaving because he looked at peace. Later that evening the family decided to take a late night drive and we all went to say goodnight to Ayinde. It felt so good to visit our son as a family. God is so good. We are getting closer to the day he will finally be home.

The Family Visits the NICU

2007-02-02T00:21:00.000-08:00

When Ayinde was in the NICU it was a confusing time for Zion. We went from being inseperable - library, field trips, just us - to mommy being gone day and night in the "NICU." He was only able to visit on Sundays and it seemed as if his parents' focus was 100% on "the baby." But he took it all very well. Dad was as cool as a cumcumber, of course. But someone had to be. Eric stepped in and took over. He and Zion became inseparable. Zion didn't want to go on playdates or be with other children, he just wanted to be with his family. I guess he felt our pain too. I thank God that Eric is self-employed and was able to be with Zion while I spent most of my time either pumping breastmilk or visiting my baby in the NICU.

A Premature Birth

2007-02-01T23:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Ayinde's Blog. His birth changed my life. Read on...

Originally written on May 15, 2006

This is the first time I've had the mental strength to sit down and write this e-mail. I think Mother's Day is a most appropriate day to do so. First let me say HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU ALL. Cat, I feel you. The tradition in my church is that we gather at someone's home and the men cook and serve the women all day. Conversely, on Father's Day we do the same for the men. Our church makes a big deal out of Mother's and Father's day. I probably would have cried too had I not received something today. But this is not the reason for this e-mail. I want to share my story with everyone so that I do not have to rehash it over and over again.

As many of you already know, I went into preterm labor on Monday, April 24th. I went to the hospital around 11:30 p.m. fully expecting to have the labor stopped and go home on bed rest. I was scared, but never thought in a million years that I would deliver my child. I didn't know it, but I had been in labor since about 7 p.m. that night. By 5:30 a.m. on Tuesday, April 25th, the doctor's told me "this baby is coming." I delivered him at 9:54 a.m. that morning at 28 weeks. He was not due until July 20. At this point I kind of blanked out and went into denial because "this couldn't really be happening." The whole experience was the complete opposite of almost everything I believe in. I was given morphine, magnesium sulfate, insulin, antibiotics, and more drugs. I labored flat on my back, hooked up to all kinds of machines. And, a perfect stranger delivered my baby. Now compare this to the kind of birth I intended - a calming, water birth with a midwife that I had developed a relationship with over a period of 10 months. Big difference! Over the last few weeks I've had to reframe my perception of this event into a more positive and thankful one. I've also gained a profound respect for modern medicine. And, by the grace of God's mercy my son is here and he's alive. The neonatologist on duty that night happened to be a very tender doctor of Indian descent who calmed all of my fears and assured me that my son would be fine. My husband never left my side and advocated for me in every way. Claudia Booker (she would have been my birthing assistant at the Birth Center) came and made me feel like a queen and showed those nurses how I was supposed to be treated after giving birth. And the phone calls and visits - praise God is all I can say. I was terrified after giving birth but when they told me he weighed 3lbs. 2oz. I was a bit more optimistic. I went into this totally ignorant about preemies. The doctor assured me that his survival rate was 90%. I just cried. My son's Godmother arrived in time to pray right before I gave birth. She took Zion downstairs to the cafeteria for breakfast and by the time they returned, his little brother was here. Then Corliss called and prayed with me (thank you!). Then Momma Teresa showed up, followed by my Pastor and his wife. So instead of crying my eyes out, I was surrounded by people who prayed over me. But it was still hard. My Pastor prayed over me and said today is a joyous occasion because some mothers carry a baby for 10 months and deliver a stillborn. He said your son is here and he is alive. This became my new paradigm for his birth.

After seeing my baby for the first time I was afraid to be alone. I didn't know how I would make it. How could I go home and function? And each time I had resigned myself to come back to my room and cry my eyes out, there was a beautiful Mocha Mom sitting in the visitor's chair with food, encouraging words, and a smile. I will never ever forget your presence for as long as I live. It is because of you that I was able to make it through the two days at the hospital. Leaving the hospital empty-handed was probably the worst. I probably spent the first two weeks crying. The visits, the play dates for Zion, the food, the phone calls from the Mocha Moms....have been my saving grace. When I was crying too much to cook, someone brought food. When I didn't have the mental strength to mother Zion, someone picked him up for a play date. I was able to cry in peace, read my Bible and meditate on my son. Thank you, thank you, thank you! One day 4 Mocha Moms came in one day bringing fruit and food of all kinds. Because of my sisters, I was able to focus on eating, sleeping, praying and pumping. Now, my milk supply is overflowing. I'm pumping more than 30 ounces of milk per day! Knowing that I will be able to breastfeed my son is keeping my spirits high.

It's still hard and I have moments when I just cry. When I see a pregnant mom or a new baby, I slip into the "why me?" It's getting more and more difficult to go to the hospital every day, see my son, and then go home. But my faith is keeping me strong sometimes. They all say the life of a preemie in the NICU is up and down. So I never know what to expect. But I affirm only the positive.

As for why all of this happened, I'm told that I had an infection in my placenta. But I'm also told that this is a "catch all" diagnosis because they really can't pinpoint what happened. Maybe this will be a cause I take up, who knows.

I could go on forever, but I just wanted to give you all an update, say thank you from the bottom of my heart, let you know that I will never, ever forget the love that I have been shown. My son is doing well. Please keep him lifted in prayer and surrounded in light. We've got a long road ahead of us, but I affirm that he will come home healthy and strong. Today we had a naming ceremony is the NICU (thank you Akua!). I give you:

Ayinde Kamau Utsey

Ayinde is a Yoruba name from Nigeria which means: the son we prayed for or we gave praises and he came. Kamau is a Kikuyu name from Kenya which means: quiet warrior

Our family translates this mean: "The son we prayed for is a quiet warrior."